“Canary’s Song” - Keegan Bell

Canary’s Song
by Keegan Bell

Masculinity was once an unachievable goal
A standard I could hardly aspire to
Hyper conscious of my walk and voice I tried to shed my queer underlining
Taunted and tainted by ideas of the perfect man
I was never going to be him

I pled to the men around me to see me as one of them
Comprising my companions I refused to accept what was inside me
It wasn’t butterflies in my stomach but a canary who sung whenever
I was close to this so-called manhood
Walking towards certain death I marched onwards
Moth to flame I ached to be masculine
Desperate to learn their language I pretend I am not other-tongued
Deaf to queer songs around me, begging homilies to belong to me
Death to the cries of queer people around me I sacrificed soul for a place that didn’t belong to me

I embarked on this pilgrimage seeking atonement for my sins and the love of a loveless god
But the gods I found weren’t the ones I prayed to
They weren’t holy but filthy
They weren’t angel-winged but pulsed like Saturn’s rings
Forked-tongued beings of pure queerness who showed me a light I had perceived as darkness
Ethereal moments with queer gods taught me I need to not dream of this

Queer giants held me on their shoulders and showed me life beyond a being of binaries
Now masculinity is my little brother
I care for him even when I hate him
We take turns playing the games he wants and he lets me rest when I’m tired
Assured we will laugh together again

Now masculinity is joyful
He has a raucous laugh and edges that aren’t harsh nor soft
He comforts me when breathing is hard and stands in my corner
He is my big sister who beat up my bullies
He is not my father who left
Masculinity and I don’t always see eye to eye
But I know he’s not evil
And I know he isn’t who I am
But we hold each other dear
And I thank my queer gods, for showing me men who will love me

Model: Jaiden Pariz
Stylist: Ayla Anderson
Photographer: Emily Lecole
Art Direction: Ayla Anderson, Emily Lecole